Facing My Own Reality!

Today started as any other, well...that would be stretching it a bit, however, it started with me flying out of bed and running for shoes, yes, I guess that would be pretty normal. Hang on, there is more to the story...

Yesterday, Sunday, my youngest daughter woke up ill with a stomach virus and was sick all day and into the night. YUCK!

I was so tired when I went to bed and had a hard time winding down, as I normally do...too much on my mind, so needless to say the replay button in my thoughts keeps being punched, and punched again and again....you get the picture. Finally, sweet sleep found me...

UNTIL...... the phone rang at 5 minutes after 7! OH MY GOODNESS, the little girl that Holly and I normally pick up was waiting for us to take her to school! Holly is diplomatically trying to explain to her that she was sick and not going to school. HELLO......we STILL have to go get the sweet child...we are responsible for making sure she is there on time! I was blindly trying to find my shoes, my hair was going a million different ways and I have no idea if the shoes I eventually found were actually ones that matched...all I knew was that they felt like they were on the right feet! I felt SO BAD when I pulled up in the driveway and she was standing out there waiting on me! DUH! I guess I won't be winning the "Carpool Mom of the Year Award"! Well, just so you will know, we did make it to school on time. I was trying to lean my head against the window to keep everyone from seeing my new Meddoussa hair-do. I am sure my hairdresser would have died to have seen it like that. To top it off I think I saw a couple of students pointing and laughing, shameful!!

Well, on the way home I began to ponder my idiocracy and why things like that happen when I am in control, or lack of is more the correct phrase to use. I have always blamed it on my blonde hair, however....just between you and me....most of my blonde now comes from a bottle, and what use to really be blonde is more like a dark brown something or other, the rest of it is that horrid gray color...sorry mom! I guess I can now officially throw the blonde excuse out of the window. Well, I AM getting older, they say forgetfulness is something that happens. Maybe that will be the next excuse I begin to utilize in my quest for trying to have a valid excuse for my disorganization....oops did I just let the cat out of the bag??

Okay, yes, confession.....I AM DISORGANIZED AND IT IS DRIVING ME NUTS!! I am working on it though. They say recognizing the problem is the first step toward defeating it, maybe I am on my way!

My husband is the complete opposite. I guess God allowed us to meet so he can help me out and I can drive him insane. Driving him nuts really is not my ultimate goal, but somehow I accomplish it so well. Most of my friends are well organized, you would think some of that would rub off on me, no luck as of yet. I guess I need to put forth more effort, but if I did and I became more organized....what would I do with all the time I would save when normally I am running around late because I couldn't find my keys??!

I guess I need to think about that.....probably tonight while I am trying to go to sleep....

Addiction...

Addiction, a demon that sucks the life out of its victim, many times without the victim recognizing what is happening. The aggressor, i.e. addiction, comes a little at a time and is somewhat hard to recognize, at first. By the time recognition takes place, it is in full force and hard to contain, much less overcome.

I believe everyone has some form of addictive traits within. The personal response to the demon is key to whether it is going to destroy character, or build character.

How can an addiction "build character" you ask? Well, to stand against such a monster takes a great deal of fortitude, stamina, courage and downright determination! Those are character traits that should be coveted by all. They are attainable, but only through trials, which many are not ready, nor willing, to stand against.

I am writing this blog because addiction has made a tremendous mark in the lives of myself and my family. There are many woes to report, not one victory as of yet, but I am still praying for deliverance. Deliverance from a disease that has had tremendous ramifications placed upon our family as a whole. A disease that has shaken us to our core. A disease in which all we can do is sit and watch, and pray. A disease that breaks my heart.

This demon has been raising its ugly head for about fifteen years, and now is a complete whirlwind around us, we believe catastropic destruction is approaching rapidly. As the storm becomes deeper, darker, and wider, we wait. What we are waiting on is unbeknown to each of us, but still we wait and watch. So many times we have thrown out the life raft, only to have it rejected and thrown back to us in total refusal. The storm has become even darker now, the winds stronger, and our hopes dashed upon the jagged rocks next to the shore, a shore where we wait with the waves lapping at our feet, unable to help.

Lies and deception are all a part of the victims as they desperately search for that next fix that allows them to keep their heads above the angry waves that are deperately trying to pull them under the current. The sad thing is the victims see themselves as swimming along and fail to see the storm that has engulfed them. Blindly they go, day by day, in a complete haze of disillusionment and paranoia that digs its claws even into the bystanders on the beach.

In the midst of the torrential rains that begin to pour down on the bystanders, a crowd approaches. Within the crowd are those that truly care about the bystanders and they offer their words of what they feel is help and encouragement. You hear shouts of, "Well, if it were me I would....", and "Let them drown...", also "Do away with them...". Each phrase spoken in true love of the bystanders, but not one of them have experienced their loved ones in the waves of the storm. At this, the bystanders shrink away and beg the crowd to disperse. The bystanders, at their own choosing, are then left to watch the storm, alone, because they feel no one cares or understands, and carries the shame without help.

Sleepless nights begin. There is a recognition of the the need for sleep, but the sleep that is attained is restless because the sound of the storm is still being heard, there is no escape. Tears fall and the heavy heart finds no relief.

Answers? I wish I had them. We search, no luck. The only answer is prayer.

The storm may not dissipate, the addiction may hang on, but there is a promise in which an Awesome God states, "I will never leave you, nor forsake you." One of the bystanders reminded me that we have to realize that "His grace is suficient for us all." I thought I understood what that meant, I am grasping a new understand within the storm. No matter what the storm brings, He is there and able to sustain me....if I only reach out and grab His hand.

Beauty

I watched as she was running into class this morning. Her hair was hanging in ringlets and bouncing around her shoulders. I could not stop smiling. Oh sure she was late to class and as her mother I should have, and normally would have, lectured her on the virtue of being prompt, but today, for some reason, was different. I was thinking of something more important.... time.
I was caught up in a moment of awe. She is a beautiful creature. I kept thinking how blessed I am to be her mother. She is now a senior in highschool, I can't believe it. Where in the world did the time go?

I wish there were time machines, I would take a trip. The trip I would take would involve me being 17 years younger and holding
her in my arms again. I cherish the memories of those bright toothless smiles in the morning when she would wake, coos and giggles, bath times, slobbery kisses, oh....and the beautiful weed bouquets! Time passes so quickly.

We get caught up in the day to day cycles of our lives and we miss out, sometimes we miss things even when physically present. I think about times she has spoken to me and I was too deep in thought to hear. Times I felt something, or someone, else demanded my attention. I sure hope she understood, I believe she did. I wish I could have time back, but I can't.

Even though I can't bring time back there is more ahead. More time for long talks about life. More time for telling jokes, laughing, and yes... crying.


Totally understanding time is fleeting past brings me to the reality of living fully in this day.


Why has it taken so much "time" to figure this out? I don't know, but I do know that my time today is slipping by. I am going to go and make the most of THIS day.

Jen, I love you...